FemDomme Sanctuary 



Submissive men married to vanilla wives

By Lady Kay

A question was posted on another site: "why don't vanilla wives learn to value the submissive in their man?" I felt that with all the married men who approach FemDommes craving to experience their submission it would be a good thing to share this information with them. Please note, these are my own personal views based on the knowledge I have gained working with couples for the last few years. I am not an authority – I just may have a different perception on things from talking to both sides.

The main reason why married men do not tell their wives about this side of themselves is their fear of rejection. I have often heard of situations where the husband is shunned and called names like “sick, pervert, etc.” by the wife who is horrified to learn that her husband has these “nasty” desires.

The problem isn’t with the wife per-say – the problem is her lack of knowledge and the perceptions that the lack of knowledge creates. That fear of seeing her partner in a submissive position terrifies most women due to the myths that surround submission. Those of us in the lifestyle know that this isn’t true but from an outside view it does appear that submissive men are weak, self-loathing, spineless wimps. This couldn’t be any further from the truth in general so perhaps the problem isn’t in telling their partner what they want – the problems is “how” to say it in a way that educates.

Unless a man is able to educate his partner from a very different perspective (showing strength in servitude - showing power in submission) odds are the average vanilla woman is going to not only find this news horrifying but may actually respond in a disgusted manner raging from anger to nausea. These reactions are common when no clarification is supplied.

One thing that has worked well for the submissive men who have come to me for counseling is changing "how" they present submission.

Here is a sample of how just a change of presentation can change the way a woman may respond to their news "Hey honey I'm submissive"

Typical explanation to a vanilla wife:
"I have these submissive fantasies and want you to dominate me"

What she generally hears is - "I am a weak man who wants you to abuse me because I have fantasies of being a pansy" She has no concept of what submission is... she has no concept of what dominate means... she only has what she sees in the media which has no resemblance to the reality beneath the surface.

Had the explanation to the vanilla wife been something as follows the reaction would have been quite different:

"Honey - tonight I want to be your knight in shinning armor... I want to spoil you and treat you like the goddess that I see you as. You are the woman of my dreams and all I have ever wanted - tonight I want to kneel at your feet and give you whatever pleasure you would like. Whether that pleasure be cleaning your kitchen or giving your body a massage - tonight I want to play the role of your knight, showing you just how truly devoted I am to you and your pleasure. I think you are an amazing woman and I love you." <he would then kneel before her taking his cue from her>

In this light he is playing the role of a submissive in his mind - but in her mind he is strong and powerful and showing the depth of his love for her... she can tell him to do things (or ask him) and she knows he is doing it because he wants to "prove" his love for her. She sees it as a strong position... he sees it as a chance to kneel at her feet and please her... Both get something incredible from it. It isn't a perfect solution, but it opens doors to further exploration or role playing... it shows her that you aren't "sick" or "perverted" (even if you are! <yum>).... it gives her time to get use to your attentions... it gives her time to get comfortable within the role playing... it allows her to accept what you want to give without seeing you as weak... in time with continued gentle urgings that do not weaken the relationship you can begin to explore more new things.

It's all about perception - let her see it a different way so that it doesn't conflict with her moral beliefs or what her vision of what a real man is.

I don't believe we should always shove our own desires in our partners face... especially when our desires change who we are in the eyes of our partner. We have to respect their limitations and give them the right to “choose” what they are comfortable with. Their right to consent is just as vital as yours. You can’t change who they are – but you can change how they perceive who you are. Everything you do and say has a direct impact on the people around you – if you can control “how” something is being presented – you can influence the outcome and responses (the first rule in successful marketing).

In time if taken slowly and with great care for your partner’s feelings and limitations - things can be explored. She may never be the Mistress of your dreams - but she is the woman of your heart and with the door open to exploration you could certainly have your cake and eat it too.

Lady Kay